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The Purple Orchid

Wed, 21 Jan 2026 17:57:13 GMT

The Purple Orchid...and the fact I can kill a cactus!

The Purple Orchid and the Fact I Can Kill a Cactus

One of the parents in my support group recently gave me a purple orchid they had grown themselves.

This is significant for two reasons.

First, it is beautiful shades of purple and, unapologetically, vibrant as well as being quietly confident in a way that does not shout for attention, but still somehow commands it.

Second, I can kill cacti.

Not 'forget to water them a bit' kill them. I mean actively defy biology.

I have turned multiple, supposedly indestructible, plants into crispy crime scenes. Succulents dead. Aloe vera RIP. Cactus do not even ask!

So when I was handed a living breathing orchid - a plant, with a reputation for being temperamental, my first thought was not gratitude or joy.

It was; "oh no, I am responsible for keeping you alive now."

And maybe that is why this orchid feels like such a perfect metaphor for neurodivergence growth and the communities we build around them.

Orchids do not grow by accident.

They do not thrive on neglect .

They do not respond well to just try harder .

They need the right environment. The right light . The right balance of water air and patience . Too much attention can be just as damaging as too little. They do not bloom on anyone else’s timeline and when they do it is because conditions are finally right - not because they were forced.

Sound familiar?

Neurodivergent people are often treated like cacti.

"You will be fine."
"You do not need much."
"Just toughen up."
"Everyone else manages."

But many of us are not cacti. We are orchids.

We need understanding not assumptions .
Support not pressure .
Flexibility not force .

When we are placed in environments that don't suit us we don't just struggle - we wither. Not because we are broken but because the conditions are wrong.

What made this orchid even more meaningful was who it came from. A parent from the support group. Someone who knows what it is like to nurture a child in a world that does not always make space for difference. Someone who understands patience, advocacy, trial and error and hope.

They did not just give me a plant. They gave me a reminder.

Growth is relational....

...Thriving happens in community.

Care is a skill you learn not a personality trait you are born with. So now I am nurturing this orchid. Carefully. Probably 'over-Googling' it. Watching the light. Checking the leaves. Trying not to project my own fear onto a houseplant with the anxiety that comes with connecting deeply and caring about something when you know you could get it wrong.

And every time I look at it I think about the people I coach. The ones who have been told they are 'too much' or 'not enough.' The ones who bloom late. The ones who need a different setup, a different pace, a different kind of care.

The orchid is not asking me to be perfect.

It is asking me to pay attention.

And maybe that is the real lesson for plants, for people and for neurodivergence. We do not need to be tougher. We need to be nurtured.

And, yes, if this orchid survives I will be absolutely insufferable about it!

Be a Cheerleader!

bevnolker@gmail.com (Beverley Nolker) — Mon, 10 Jan 2022 12:20:06 GMT

Be a cheerleader

I coach from a strength-based perspective so cheerleading is part of my mantra.

Reminding someone with ADHD of their negative traits and failures isn't going to spur them into action, is it? All it will do is compound the negative self-talk which, combined with a dollop of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD), can have a negative impact on mental health.

When I work with families it's imperative that they focus on the strengths and motivators of the young person. They will grow in confidence and self-esteem - which is a win, win for everyone!

However, this is also important for adults with ADHD. Quite probably, the cheerleading needs to be louder and more robust. We tell ourselves we are not good enough and any criticism we receive reverberates throughout our brains (which tend to overthink anyway) and exacerbates unhelpful thoughts.

If you are a parent/carer of a child with ADHD be their cheerleader and model positive self-talk as much as possible. Celebrate the wins, no matter how small. Create a Positivity Board at home. Place it in a prominent position and place notes or visuals with positive mantras.

People with ADHD have amazing strengths - they just need a cheerleader to propel them forwards!

Speak to yourself with kindness.

bevnolker@gmail.com (Beverley Nolker) — Tue, 24 Aug 2021 18:32:23 GMT

Speak to yourself with kindness.

Compliments...

...can you take them?

Do you feel comfortable with words of kindness and praise?

If this is a nemesis of yours then you are in good company!

The developmental impact of ADHD through the lifespan may mean that self esteem and confidence are at an all-time low. Lack of support at home and struggles throughout school could instil negative repercussions in adulthood.

This brings me to the work of Masaru Emoto who is an internationally renowned Japanese researcher who has gained worldwide acclaim with his work around water.

Emoto's research has visually captured the structure of water at the moment of freezing, and through high-speed photography he has shown the direct consequences of destructive thoughts and the thoughts of love and appreciation of the formation of water crystals.

The images, in the next column, show how the crystal formations formed when the words, 'Love,' 'Thank you,' and 'I hate you,' were spoken around the water as it froze. The latter, visually, being dark and misformed.

Considering the human body consists of 60% water, when we are making negative comments about ourselves we are creating the negative water crystals throughout the body cells, which can't be helpful - surely?!

Whether you believe Dr Emoto and his water theory, it is essential that we speak to ourselves with kindness.

Try the daily practice of positive affirmations. Say them in front of a mirror, speak them out loud. Use a 'Power Pose' to really embed what you are saying into your brain.

This is a huge step forwards in self-care. You may notice that you will begin to enjoy a compliment or two and are more accepting of the praise you so richly deserve.

Loqui tecum misericordiam (speak with kindness).

Saying 'No' is the new black!

Fri, 20 Aug 2021 20:59:00 GMT

For as long as I can remember, I have been a people pleaser. The word, 'NO', just wasn't in my vocabulary.

I often wonder if my propensity to please was because my mother was a giver. A woman who wanted to help everyone and anyone. If we had unexpected visitors she would welcome them with open arms. A roast dinner for five was extended to eight or ten - irrespective of the amount of food which had been prepared. She loved to give and see people happy and her love for her grandchildren knew no bounds. "Nanny never says, no," my daughter would say when it was time to pick her up after a sleepover. Yes, it made life a little challenging when boundaries and structure needed to be put in place. However, since my mother has passed (over thirteen years ago) I reflect on the love and nurturing she displayed to my children.

That being said, I struggled for a long time with saying, 'No!' I sometimes wondered if I was like The Fonz, from 70s cult show, 'Happy Days?' He couldn't say, 'Sorry,' much to the delight of his fans. I wanted to say it, I felt compelled to say it but that singular little word evaded me.

It took me a long time to realise that I was avoiding rejection. I didn't want people to be angry or disappointed in me for saying no. I wanted their approval and friendship and I thought that by saying 'Yes', I would achieve that.

I've since learnt some strategies to help me manage their expectations and my work/life load.

1). Try to have a set response to unexpected requests.

"I'll have to check my diary and get back to you."

"I'm sure I have something already organised for that date/time."

Don't go into a ten paragraph explanation as to why you are unable to do something, make it SSS - short, succinct and sweet!

2). Remember that your time is important. Put yourself first. Don't expect other people to think about your feelings/need for space.

3). Don't apologise for saying, No. It disempowers you and leaves you wide open for being taken advantage of again. Remember, no means no!

4). Try to visualise scenarios where you are asked to do something that really would inconvenience/stress you out. Imagine how you would respond.

5). If you use Gmail, download the 'Just Not Sorry' plugin. It's a great tool for ensuring you check your emails for disempowering apologetic language. Yes, there's a time to say sorry but this little tool is a great way to respond with more empowering language.

REMEMBER.... it's not WHAT you say, it's HOW you say it. There's a difference to being assertive and being rude. Take a deep breath before responding so that you are calm and clear with that magic word, 'NO.'